Not So Comical Comics 2

Bond

Any flaws can be overlooked when family ties run deep. Click here to read.

The Human Chair

Still a better love story than Twilight. Click here to read.

Ok-Su Station Ghost

A drunk woman in a train station is not as she appears. Click here to read.

Zombie Makeup Tutorial #1

Hi guys! After many trials and tribulations, I have finally finished the first makeup tutorial for The Horror Expert's YouTube channel. One of my favorite makeups to do is a good zombie makeup because there are just so many ways to make a zombie! Check out the first of many.

Click here to visit my channel and subscribe for more fresh content!

Love & Horror: My Valentine's Day Movie List

Ah Valentine's Day. A day of romance, happy couples, and love. Disgusting, right? If you're like me, then you probably hate Valentine's Day and see it for what it really is...a Hallmark event that was made to boost the economy after the holidays by having us spend money on worthless fleeting gifts like chocolates and flowers. Don't get me wrong: I enjoy love, chocolate and flowers. I just want to experience them on my own time. I don't need a calendar to tell me when I need to be romantic and I definitely don't want it forced on me. Plus, think of the poor single people! Do we really need to make them feel worse? Being single is hard enough.

So, if you want to beat the Valentine's Day blues, then celebrate how I do: with horror movies! Here are horror movies I recommend watching on Valentine's Day, whether you're with your significant other, friends, or just treating yourself.

1. My Bloody Valentine (1981 & 2009)

Let's start with the obvious, My Bloody Valentine, the only Valentine's Day themed horror movie out there (that is worthwhile at least). The original version is a Canadian slasher film that takes place in a mining town called Valentine Bluffs, on Valentine's Day, just in case you weren't sure if it was a Valentine's themed horror movie or not. The town used to hold a dance every year on Valentine's Day until two mining supervisors left the mine to go to the dance, causing an explosion that trapped the remaining miners. Harry Warden, the only survivor, resorted to cannibalism to stay alive and eventually went insane before being rescued. Once out, he killed the two supervisors that left him and resolved to kill again if another Valentine's Day dance was ever held.

Harry was thrown in an asylum and because this is a horror movie, the dumb mayor and townspeople forgot all about this horrible tragedy and resumed the dance again after a year. A year?!?! One time, when I was 5 at a dance recital, I was put on the wrong mark and was off for the rest of the dance. It is 23 years later and I still remember that moment. Vividly. The entire town of Valentine Bluffs had a gruesome mining accident and homicide and a year later they're all standing there like, "Guys, can you remember why we stopped the Valentine's Day dance? I can't. Let's get our freak on!" *Sigh* Horror movie logic. Cue the Valentine's Day killing jamboree, kicked off by a human heart being delivered to the mayor and chief of police in a iconic Valentine's Day chocolate box. The 2009 remake, which was the first ever R rated move to be made 3D, is the exact same move aside from the ending. Same characters, same plot, just a slightly different ending. I actually saw the remake when it was in theaters and I can attest that while the movie itself did not wow me, the 3D effects were pretty cool. Nothing says "in your face gore" more than an eyeball on the end of a pickax literally inches away from your face. So depending on your tastes, go with either version and have a bloody good time! Heck, if you have the same memory as the citizens of Valentine Bluffs, you can watch one, totally forget about it, and then watch the other one like it's a whole new experience!

2. Crimson Peak (2015)

A hauntingly beautiful and romantic ghost story by Guillermo del Toro. This gothic horror film is set in 1887 where heiress and budding author, Edith Cushing, falls in love with a baronet, Sir Thomas Sharpe, when he and his sister, Lucille, arrive in town looking for investors for his new invention. At first the plot seems generic. Couple fall in love. Father and close male friend who is in love with her disapprove. Dramatic things happen. Couple gets married anyway. But what makes this chilling tale so interesting is Edith's sixth sense. That's right, like her deceased mother, she can see ghosts and spirits. After marrying Sir Thomas, she moves into his decrepit mansion and (Surprise! Surprise!) she begins to see the tortured spirits of deceased women. Who are they and why are they trying to make contact with her? How did they get there and how did they meet their demise?

The raw emotions shared between Edith and Sir Thomas tantalizes the viewer and leads to some very sexy (and disturbing) moments throughout the movie. The brilliant mixture of practical effects and CGI produce some very effective and creepy monsters that are so tortured looking, it makes their pain palpable to the audience. Trust me, this is one messed up love story you don't want to miss. Bonus: You also get an excellent shot of Tom Hiddleston's butt. Need I say more?

3. Lo (2009)

A lesser known movie with a decent cult following, Lo is a highly unorthodox demon Rom-Com. It's cheesy and bizarre humor mixed with it's simplistic yet intriguing visuals makes you fall in love with the movie instantly. Although it looks homemade, I think it could be seen as part of it's charm and I personally find the idea as an impressive, intelligent way to approach a movie. Our movie takes place in the bedroom of our main character, Justin, although in the darkness all you see is him and the pentagram on the floor that he sits in. Justin fell in love with a strange girl named April Oak who, very much to Justin's surprise, is kidnapped by a demon! Don't you hate it when that happens? The only thing left behind by her is this creepy, demonic looking book, which has one page bookmarked: the summoning spell for a demon named Lo. Justin vows to find her, and summons Lo to search Hell for her, but learns she's not exactly who he thought she was.

Dancing demon bartenders, 1980s prom love ballads, and a possessed hand with a talking cut (which vaguely gives me Evil Dead vibes) are just some of the many wacky moments you have to look forward to when watching this gem. The demon makeups and prosthetics are done well and suit their characters respectively. This movie is up there on my favorite off color romances and you will root for our boy Justin to find his lady love.

4. Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

This is in my top 3 of all time favorite Dracula movies. Gary Oldman as Dracula makes your heart ache as he portrays the tragic backstory of this warrior that comes home from battle to find that his true love committed suicide upon false word of his demise. Vlad Dracula is told his love will go to hell for taking her own life, which causes him to renounce God and become the infamous Count Dracula we know (Complete with drinking blood from a cross. So metal!). I would hope if you've found this site that you don't need me to explain the story of Dracula, so let's dive into why I think this version is special and perfect for Valentine's Day.

First off, WAY better love story than Twilight. Vampires are portrayed the way they're supposed to be: tragic, romantic, and vicious. The movie sticks to the original source material, allowing Dracula to transform into bats, wolves, and even mist. He has the powers to influence and hypnotize and even drastically changes his age. Second, the acting is phenomenal, aside from Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker, who is unintentionally hilarious. Picture Ted from "Bill and Ted", but with a British accent. Anthony Hopkins is a great Van Helsing and also rises to the level that Gary Oldman performs at. The chemistry between Oldman and Winona Ryder is electric as you find yourself slowly falling in love with Dracula the same way she does. At first, there's confusion, but then there is an overwhelming desire to want him to like you. You don't even need to have a date while watching this movie. I'd rather pretend Dracula is my date because of how clearly dedicated he is to the woman he loves. However, everyone else is in danger of a painful and cursed death, as this Dracula has little remorse for his actions and no interest in anything, but Miss Mina Murray.

5. Braindead/Dead Alive (1992)

Known as Braindead in New Zealand where the film originates and as Dead Alive by us Americans, I first saw this film when I was a little kid (Like a single digit age. Best. Parents. EVER.) This is my all time favorite horror movie to watch on Valentine's Day. And no, it's not because of the relationship between Lionel and Paquita. Don't get me wrong, they're a super cute couple, but that's not why I watch this movie. I COME FOR THE GORE! Who wants to focus on all that gross pining and affection when you can replace it with blood, guts, and glorious, delicious gore? Yes boys and girls, this very well may be the goriest movie ever made, and it was co-written and directed by Peter Jackson before he made the Lord of the Rings movies. You may not see hobbits and orcs, but here are some of the things you will see: a preacher doing kung fu in a cemetery, a woman losing her ear in a bowl of custard and then eating it, a zombie birth, a zombie baby, a man using a lawn mower as a human food processor, a Sumatran rat monkey, and a giant, zombie, mother-monster sucking her full grown child back into her womb. I mean who doesn't want to see all that?!

I'm not going to even bother going over the story line, because frankly it is not important. What is important that you watch this movie immediately if you haven't seen it yet (but I recommend not eating beforehand). Braindead/Dead Alive is the best way to give Valentine's Day the big middle finger it deserves and enjoy some quality horror. So what are you waiting for? Check out how this story of true love gets torn to shreds by an overbearing mother and a slapstick horror zombie outbreak.

What do you think? Do you like my list? Is there a specific movie you enjoy on Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments below!

Not So Comical Comics

Hiker

A good deed turns creepy in this Silent Horror comic. Click here to read.

The Enigma of Amigara Fault

An incredibly creepy read by horror manga author Junji Ito sure to make you feel claustrophobic. Click here to read.

The Bongcheon Dong Ghost

This comic, and the ghost inside it, feel so real. Perhaps...too real? Click here to read.

Horror Heroines: The Best and the Brightest Women in Horror (Part One)

In horror history and even still today, women are often found to be the victim. There are many stereotypes that come to mind when talking about women in horror movies. A terrified girl, pummeling limp-wristed at some large, lumbering murderer. The woman who gets a call from a threatening voice that says they're watching her and she doesn't just immediately hang up the phone to call the police. The air-headed bimbo that decides to have a quickie even though her friends seem to be disappearing. You know the stereotypes I'm talking about. How did women get dealt such a band hand of cards in horror movies? As a fellow member of the female gender, it's always bothered me. That's why when a female character in a horror movie really turns the tables and comes of tough, intelligent and quick-witted, I get super excited. There is something so satisfying about watching a scream queen come out triumphant (or as triumphant as one can be in a horror movie).

For every ditzy lady running upstairs when they should be running out the front door, there's horror heroine that strikes fear back into the heart of her attacker. The five women I mention below are just a few of the many greats in the horror world. Let's take a moment and explore why these ferocious females are worth mentioning.

***SPOILER ALERTS AHEAD***

Nancy Thompson from A Nightmare on Elm Street

  

A Nightmare on Elm Street very well may be my favorite horror movie and Freddy Kreuger is definitely one of my favorite horror movie villains. However, for me the best thing to come out of the movie was it's heroine, Nancy. Talk about running the show! Freddy Kreuger would have killed every teenager and kid in town if Nancy hadn't stepped up to the plate. When Tina has her nightmare, Nancy is the only one that believes her fear and connects the dots that everyone is dreaming about the same guy.

In fact, throughout the entire movie she is the only to be proactive at all. Everyone in the movie is the most useless and unhelpful people to be with in a horror movie. Rod, Tina's boyfriend who watched here get sliced and diced mid-air by NOBODY, didn't have the smarts to deduce that maybe something outside the norm was happening. At least not until his bed sheets got the best of him in jail. Nancy's mother is a drunk who knows exactly who Freddy Kreuger is (she killed him in real life, duh) and even after Nancy says his name and gives a perfect description of his appearance her mother STILL WON'T BELIEVE HER. She watched Nancy pull Kreuger's freaking brown hat out of her dream and she was just like, "Aw honey you just need more sleep." Even less helpful than Nancy's mom is her father, the head of the town's incompetent law enforcement. Nancy's father (played by the forever cop John Saxon) never believes Nancy until he finally sees Freddy with his own eyes. He also arrests the wrong guy, which by the way, props to Nancy for jumping in front of her father's loaded gun to save Rod (how many of your friends would jump in front of a loaded gun for you?). Her boyfriend Glen had one job: stay awake while Nancy goes into her dream to pull out a vicious child murderer. Not hard, right? COULDN'T EVEN STAY AWAKE. 

Nancy had to literally do everything herself and it culminates in an amazing climax where Nancy finally pulls Freddy out of her dream (a stop watch did Glen's job better) and beats the crud out of him with sledgehammer booby traps, explosive trip wires before ultimately setting him on fire. However, what really earns Nancy her spot on the list is how she finally conquered Kreuger. Exhausted and running on no sleep, she decides she's tired of his shit and turns her back on him. Nancy realized Freddy Kreuger is not worth her energy and by taking that energy away, he can no longer exist. What's cooler than saying, "Screw you. I'm tired of being scared and I'm not playing your games anymore." You go, Nancy!

Sidney Prescott from the Scream Franchise

This woman has survived horror not once, not twice, but FOUR TIMES. I'm not just amazed at her ability to continuously thwart Ghostface, but at the fact that she still has not broken down after repeatedly being stalked and attacked. Just look at the timeline! 

First movie: Best friend murdered, life flashed all over the news, boyfriend and his bestie try to kill her after admitting to murdering her mother. Sidney pushes through. Second movie: Sidney is getting a college degree! New best friend murdered, new boyfriend murdered, and ex-boyfriend's crazy mother tried to kill her. Sidney pushes through. Third movie: Her whole life has been turned into a movie, police are good looking yet no help, and her estranged brother she never knew about tries to kill her. Sidney somehow still freaking pushes through. Fourth movie: Somehow Sidney has not yet had a total psychotic breakdown. She is owning her life and has written and published a book. She has literally survived over a decade of harassment and knife wounds. Her niece is Emma Roberts and that's not even the worst part! HER FREAKING NIECE TRIED TO KILL HER. Seriously, why do people want to kill Sidney so bad? She's done nothing to warrant such hostility and all she wants is to live her life in peace. Sidney is the Jackie Chan of horror movies. She's just trying to mind her own business and people keep messing with her. And to what effect? Sidney has killed personally killed every one of her attackers (and does it with a great snappy one liner). Maybe one of these days people be smart enough to not mess with Sidney, but until then I will enjoy watching her dish out a Ghostface ass whooping.

Erin from You're Next

GORGEOUS BADASS ALERT. This is the kind of woman you want to take home to your mother. Unless you plan on killing your mother along with the rest of your family and using her as a witness. That won't fly with Erin. Everybody get's nervous about meeting their significant other's family for the first time. It's important to make a good impression. Unfortunately, that all went out the window when Erin sat down for a lovely dinner with her boyfriend's family and one of them got shot in the head with an arrow. Bummer. Blood in the mashed potatoes. Dinner totally ruined. Don't you hate when that happens? 

The family and Erin are trapped in their house under siege from invaders and what does she do when everyone's cowering in the corner? She starts looking for weapons and setting up traps. She's uncannily calm and seems to know exactly how to do when all of a sudden she even starts taking out some of the killers single-handedly! Is this girl a superhero? Nope. Turns out she just grew up on a survivalist compound where she learned combat and survival skills. You know, that old chestnut. The masked murderers are in over their head when Erin starts knocking them off one by one and in turn uncovering an inheritance murder plot. Erin ends up as the sole survivor at the end of the brutal night and went from "You're Next" to "You're Last". Erin is a strong independent woman who don't need no man! (She had a man, but she stabbed him in the eye)

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Do you agree with my choices? Who do you think should be on the list? This is only part one so there are many more horror heroines to fawn over so let me know which ones you admire!

Beating a Dead Horse: Horror Movie Remakes

Hello Horror Lovers! For my first post, I want to talk about something that is a touchy subject for me, and for other die hard horror fans. Today's topic for discussion is remaking classic horror films. There are a lot more horror movie remakes than you may think. The list goes on and on and on......

Now, I'm not one of those close-minded, dismissive people who hear about the creation of another remake and say, "OH THE FIRST ONE WAS A CLASSIC! IT CAN NEVER BE AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE!" I have watched almost every horror movie remake that has come out and judged them fairly. My conclusion was...most of them suck. I'm not trying to be a rude jackass, but the plain fact is that you are trying to remake movies that are already very good, and by doing so, are automatically setting yourself up for failure. The old saying is, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" Take A Nightmare on Elm Street for example. I knew, the second I saw a preview for the remake of this, that it would end in failure. Here's why: When I say "Freddy Kreuger" most people know who I'm talking about. You are taking a horror movie villain that is iconic and trying to change him, and that will always hit a sore spot with movie goers who have seen the original. Most people don't like change like that in film because they already have a cemented idea of how this villain should be and how the movie should go. Jackie Earle Haley isn't a bad actor, nor was his Freddy Krueger awful, but when he's compared to Robert Englund, he seems quite inferior. It's what I like to call "Dorothy Syndrome". Everybody who hears "Wizard of Oz" automatically thinks of Judy Garland as Dorothy. Now, you may see a stage show of Wizard of Oz in the theater, and the actress playing Dorothy may be phenomenal, but in the back of your head you think, "She's not Judy Garland." Ending the rant on the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, there were other elements besides Freddy that made the movie fail, but I want to address other points so I'll just say one more thing. The one part of the movie I found intriguing that the original didn't have was how it delved more into Freddy's personal history and whether he really hurt children at all. I mean, of course he did, that's pretty predictable, but I still enjoyed the little flashbacks of his pre-burned life.

The biggest problem I have with horror movie remakes is not that they fail, but that some people (mostly younger people) don't realize they're remakes. My girl friends worry me when they tell me of horror movies they dared to see. " I just saw Last House on the Left in theatres! It was so sick!" This is were I enthusiastically tell them that they should see the original. So awesome! To which they reply, "There's another one?!?!" I say yes. "Oh I don't really like old movies." To which I walk away grumbling to myself. -__- I get it that some people see older movies as a little corny or cheesy or "HEY WHERE'S THE CGI?" but the fear is STILL THERE I TELL YOU! IN IT'S ORIGINAL FORM! The scariest remake conversation I had wasn't technically about a remake, but OH GOD MY SOUL WEPT FOR HOURS. I was having a sleepover with two friends in high school and I offered we watch The Exorcist. "Oh we love that movie! The Exorcism of Emily Rose was so scary!" No not Emily Rose, just the original Exorcist. "There's another movie about exorcism and demons?!" 😡 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways I seem to be rambling on quite a bit. Sorry. I have so much more to say, but I'll stop for now. Perhaps I'll even do a part two. There are a select few remakes I like (one or two), but most are a no-go for me. I'll end my blog with a challenge. A challenge to the movie industry in general. MOVIE INDUSTRY, IF YOU ARE LISTENING, PLEASE GIVE ME A FILM THAT IS ORIGINAL. STOP TRYING TO TAKE MASTERPIECES AND MAKE THEM BETTER! I would not take Van Gogh's Starry Starry Night, vomit on it, and say, "HERE THIS IS MY ART I MADE IT BETTER." And please, oh pretty please, DON'T REMAKE A MOVIE AND GIVE IT A DIFFERENT TITLE. I'M LOOKING AT YOU "THE ROOMATE"!!! WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE A REMAKE OF SINGLE WHITE FEMALE DAMNIT!